I’ve been thinking about my birthday for half a month now with mixed feelings. It’s one of those day that I “should” celebrate, but I kinda want to and kinda don’t to at the same time.
If I were to celebrate it and enjoy the day, I’m not sure how to do it. If I were to give in to the sadder part, then I should at least know why I’m sad.
I’ve thought and thought about it … I think I’ve figured it out.
The pain of un-achievement and of loss.
I think I miss my dad the most around my birthday. I start feeling jittery around mid February which is my dad’s birthday and it carries till my birthday. I dawned on me this morning that I tend to resent my current position/achievement in life around my birthday and tend question my birth in general.
You see, growing up, I sped through life. Secondary school at 8 years, University at 14 years, graduated 18 years. I sorta “zombied” through it all, but I didn’t/don’t hate the speed. Most times, I’m thankful for it because I think It’s the reason I can go through life as slowly as I am now and still seem like I’m on track.
The person responsible for my speed early in life was my dad. Since his death, I’ve not been able to run. I’ve crawled and clawed my way through life, but it’s not enough. A lot of the things I’m able to do now is because of the foundation/advantage he gave me, but I haven't done enough with it. If I started out running, I should at least be jogging, but why am I crawling? Why do I find that year after year, I’m lagging a little farther behind? Why haven’t I used the advantage he gave me better? how did I lose it all?
If he sacrificed so much to ensure I had a good start in life, why on earth am I still here?
I want to be happy on my birthday, but I cannot. Not fully at least. Because my birthday is the day I feel my failures the most. As a new year in my life dawns, I’m saddened by the realization that I’m not where he and I planned I’d be at this new age. I want to show him that his sacrifices were not in vein, but I cannot.
It’s around this time that I question birth. I’m not sure why children are seen as bundles of joy neither am I sure why the day of my birth is a happy one or how birthing me is an accomplishment, but still half of me wants to be happy on this day
